Appraisal Forms - the next Generation
Creative appraisal definitions
Band of Investments - A group of financial officers who hold jam sessions in the back room of the NYSE.
Capitalization Rate - The number which is arrived at by dividing the number the client wants by the net operating income.
Eminent Domain - From the Latin. Eminent, meaning big, or prominent. Domain, meaning where one lives. Hence, a big house.
Fair Market Value - The value of items sold at a country fair.
Highest and Best Use - Whatever the person who is paying for the appraisal wants to do with the property.
Internal Rate of Return - An often used but seldom understood term of questionable meaning and doubtful significance. Also, the inverse of External Rate of Return.
Marginal Utility - Many appraisals.
Market Value - Formerly, one sentence which covered the bases pretty well. Now, a page of explanation, some of which appears to be contradictory and imprecise.
Depth Tables - Charts used by SCUBA divers and fishermen.
Purpose of the Appraisal - To make a living in the appraisal business.
Functional Obsolescence - That state of many older appraisers.
The Subject - A term police use to identify the victim of a crime.
Subject Property - A term police use to identify the belongings of a victim of a crime.
Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Trapezoid - A device for catching zoids.
Top Ten Reasons why it is great to be an appraiser
10. Dazzle your friends with your knowledge of external obsolescence.
9. The wonderful world of rats, bats, and spiders.
8. Be a part of the profession blamed for the collapse of the savings and loan industry.
7. See places in people's houses that usually require a search warrant to access.
6. Arouse the suspicion of an entire neighborhood when inspecting comparable sales.
5. Chance to really irritate annoying real estate salespeople.
4. Walk around holding a clipboard just like "Skip" down at the Jiffy Lube.
3. Spend hours writing volumes of supporting documentation to justify the market value of a property you already decided on when you pulled into the driveway.
2. See that some people really do hang those black velveteen pictures of Elvis on their living room walls.
1. Be one of a handful of people who know that USPAP is not a medical term.
What is an appraiser?
An appraiser is one who compiles and analyzes voluminous data of problematical accuracy from sources of dubious veracity and derives there from a numerical quantification of unquestionable necessity, analogous to a nebulous and euphemistic concept representational of value commensurate with ambient configurations of the open market and promulgates thereby a precise written declamation which delineates his observation, deliberations and conclusions all done while he feigns absolute ignorance of the avaricious machinations of Buyers, Sellers, Brokers and Lenders, compensated only by that penurious stipend known as the professional fee.
Ask For Raise
"I have to have a raise in my commission," the agent said to his manager. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
Congratulations on your new home
A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".
Glossery of Terms
Spacious - average
Charming - small
Comfortable - very small
Cozy - very, very small
Low maintenance - no lawn
Walk to stores - nowhere to park your car
Prestigious - expensive
Bright and sunny - Venetian blinds not included
Townhouse - former tenement
Modern - 30 to 40 years old
Contemporary - at least 15 years old
Sprawling ranch - inefficient floor plan
Natural setting - forget about planting, the deer will eat everything
Secluded setting - far away
Executive neighborhood - high taxes
Near houses of worship - fanatical denomination next door
Park-like setting - a tree on the block
Unaffected charm - needs painting
Starter home - run down
Hurry! Won't last - about to collapse
And much, much more - nothing else comes to mind
Your HOUSE as seen by:
YOURSELF
YOUR LENDER
YOUR BUYER
YOUR APPRAISER
YOUR TAX ASSESSOR
Three REALTORS are sitting in a sauna. Suddenly there's a beeping sound. One of them presses her forearm. The beeping stops. The others look at her questioningly. "Oh, that was my pager," she said. "I've had a microchip implanted under the skin in my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rings. The second REALTOR lifts her palm to her ear and carries on a conversation. When finished, she explains, "That was my mobile phone. I've had a microchip implanted in my hand."
By now, the third REALTOR was feeling decidedly low tech. Determined not to be outdone, she stepped out of the sauna into the bathroom, only to return a moment later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. "Oh look," she said, "I'm getting a fax."
Business and fishing
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
NEW IMPROVED SPEEDY APPRAISAL FORM
Customer Name:________________________________________
Subject Property Address:_____________________________
Description of Subject Property and Neighborhood:
Subject property is located in _______________________, a popular,
well-maintained area that has enjoyed dramatic appreciation over the past year.
Most buyers appeared to be unconcerned with size or overall utility of these
homes, and seemed to be paying between $____________ and $____________,
regardless of difference in appearance, condition, age, etc.
Market Value Assessment:
For the above reasons, we estimate the Market Value of the subject property
on this date to be:
$____________
(Loan agents to fill in blanks with assistance of any real estate salesperson.)
I certify that I have not inspected, driven by, or even thought about the
property that is the subject of this appraisal. I also promise that I will not
interfere in any way with the expedient funding of this obviously worthy
property.
___________________________________ ________________
Signature of advocating appraiser Date
Creative appraisal definitions
Band of Investments - A group of financial officers who hold jam sessions in the back room of the NYSE.
Capitalization Rate - The number which is arrived at by dividing the number the client wants by the net operating income.
Eminent Domain - From the Latin. Eminent, meaning big, or prominent. Domain, meaning where one lives. Hence, a big house.
Fair Market Value - The value of items sold at a country fair.
Highest and Best Use - Whatever the person who is paying for the appraisal wants to do with the property.
Internal Rate of Return - An often used but seldom understood term of questionable meaning and doubtful significance. Also, the inverse of External Rate of Return.
Marginal Utility - Many appraisals.
Market Value - Formerly, one sentence which covered the bases pretty well. Now, a page of explanation, some of which appears to be contradictory and imprecise.
Depth Tables - Charts used by SCUBA divers and fishermen.
Purpose of the Appraisal - To make a living in the appraisal business.
Functional Obsolescence - That state of many older appraisers.
The Subject - A term police use to identify the victim of a crime.
Subject Property - A term police use to identify the belongings of a victim of a crime.
Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Trapezoid - A device for catching zoids.
Top Ten Reasons why it is great to be an appraiser
10. Dazzle your friends with your knowledge of external obsolescence.
9. The wonderful world of rats, bats, and spiders.
8. Be a part of the profession blamed for the collapse of the savings and loan industry.
7. See places in people's houses that usually require a search warrant to access.
6. Arouse the suspicion of an entire neighborhood when inspecting comparable sales.
5. Chance to really irritate annoying real estate salespeople.
4. Walk around holding a clipboard just like "Skip" down at the Jiffy Lube.
3. Spend hours writing volumes of supporting documentation to justify the market value of a property you already decided on when you pulled into the driveway.
2. See that some people really do hang those black velveteen pictures of Elvis on their living room walls.
1. Be one of a handful of people who know that USPAP is not a medical term.
What is an appraiser?
An appraiser is one who compiles and analyzes voluminous data of problematical accuracy from sources of dubious veracity and derives there from a numerical quantification of unquestionable necessity, analogous to a nebulous and euphemistic concept representational of value commensurate with ambient configurations of the open market and promulgates thereby a precise written declamation which delineates his observation, deliberations and conclusions all done while he feigns absolute ignorance of the avaricious machinations of Buyers, Sellers, Brokers and Lenders, compensated only by that penurious stipend known as the professional fee.
Ask For Raise
"I have to have a raise in my commission," the agent said to his manager. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
Congratulations on your new home
A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".
Glossery of Terms
Spacious - average
Charming - small
Comfortable - very small
Cozy - very, very small
Low maintenance - no lawn
Walk to stores - nowhere to park your car
Prestigious - expensive
Bright and sunny - Venetian blinds not included
Townhouse - former tenement
Modern - 30 to 40 years old
Contemporary - at least 15 years old
Sprawling ranch - inefficient floor plan
Natural setting - forget about planting, the deer will eat everything
Secluded setting - far away
Executive neighborhood - high taxes
Near houses of worship - fanatical denomination next door
Park-like setting - a tree on the block
Unaffected charm - needs painting
Starter home - run down
Hurry! Won't last - about to collapse
And much, much more - nothing else comes to mind
YOURSELF
YOUR LENDER
YOUR BUYER
YOUR APPRAISER
YOUR TAX ASSESSOR
Three REALTORS are sitting in a sauna. Suddenly there's a beeping sound. One of them presses her forearm. The beeping stops. The others look at her questioningly. "Oh, that was my pager," she said. "I've had a microchip implanted under the skin in my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rings. The second REALTOR lifts her palm to her ear and carries on a conversation. When finished, she explains, "That was my mobile phone. I've had a microchip implanted in my hand."
By now, the third REALTOR was feeling decidedly low tech. Determined not to be outdone, she stepped out of the sauna into the bathroom, only to return a moment later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. "Oh look," she said, "I'm getting a fax."
Business and fishing
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"